Today reality has given me a good SMACK in the face. THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST even though I want to write one.
For the last few months I’ve been attempting to convince somebody (ANYONE?) in my life to go travelling with me. I have been feeling this pull towards New York. Don’t really know why but I just really want to experience the buzz of being in a big city again. I suppose that’s a why.
My first victim was my best friend who lives in Portugal. She said it would be really cool to go, but after checking finances she said her money piggy was starving so it was a no-go for her. I totally understood and thought we could go together some other time when the piggy was well-fed.
So I moved on to my second victim, le boyfriend. Unfortunately he was also like ‘yeah it would be cool but I can’t spend that kind of money right now, I’m saving up for a house, but maybe I could do somewhere cheaper’. With the hope of going somewhere this summer I placed myself the task of finding an affordable place for us to go that would be really paradise-like. After some research on youtube I realised Santorini was where #lifestyle was at. I immediately began to search for cheap flights and cheap luxury hotels (I really wanted the whole #lifestyle experience). I ended up finding the most PERFECT hotel room with a round bed and a hot tub out in this balcony that overlooked the sea. This is when I became a tad over enthusiastic. Trying my hardest to convince my boyfriend that this was the perfect deal I made a spreadsheet of how much flights, hotel, food and a catamaran trip would cost and sent it over to him. It was all 600 and something pounds each with everything included for 4 nights. I spent a good couple of days doing this research but when I showed it to him he wasn’t at all that excited. He said he didn’t want to get over excited to then find out he didn’t have the finances to do it. It frustrated the crap out of me.
Eventually, and frustratingly, all of this came to nothing. On a Tuesday afternoon I had a somewhat life-altering, or should I say, perspective-altering, reality-sinking realisation about my life’s priorities after an emotional life coaching session. I realised that my priority in life is living. That means actually enjoying every single day as if it were my last, because it literally could be. This doesn’t mean not being responsible for the things you “have” to do, such as work or University work, but instead making enjoying the day more significant than pretending to be busy with work all day. But that’s a whole different post in itself.
Back to the story. My other gut twisting realisation was that I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody that I will never live with because we want to inhabit different places. So let me put some context into this. My boyfriend and I met during Freshers’ Week at University way back when I was doing Mechanical Engineering, a few years later I decided to change course to Fashion Photography five hours away from where we met. We remained together besides the distance and continued to love and respect each other just the same. One thing we never agreed on however, that was where we were going to be moving to next. I don’t want to stay in England much longer and if I do I will just move to London, but he plans to stay where he is or continue to live somewhere else in England. We were never going to give up on our ideas of where we want to live. That was the reason why I sent him a message at 3am in the morning telling him I couldn’t keep living with the illusion that someday we would live together when we both knew we weren’t and asked him to call me as soon as he read the message when he woke up. We decided to break up. We still love each other, we still want to be besties, but we just couldn’t keep stopping each other from moving on with our lives. We decided he was coming in a couple of weeks and stay the weekend so we could sort things out then, meanwhile we would remain together until he eventually went back to where he lives on Sunday.
So continuing on with the travel story. My boyfriend, or then soon to be ex-boyfriend, and I decided on that sunny Saturday afternoon he was with me to go to St. Michael’s Mount in the end of the world that is Cornwall. On the drive there he informed me in the kindest way possible (not being sarcastic) that he was going to North Carolina with his work for two weeks. Granted it is nothing like New York but this feeling of envy and of betrayal came over me (even though I didn’t actually think it was betrayal at all and that it was so great that he was being given the opportunity to go the US for the first time and for FREE!). The feelings consumed me so damn quickly that a tsunami poured out of my eyes. I didn’t know what to make of it. I got into such an emotional pit. I felt bad for feeling betrayed. I felt silly for feeling envious. I felt stupid. For a moment, a moment that actually lasted for at least half an hour, I felt like a complete idiot. Reality hit me so hard that it left me crying like a little kid who didn’t get invited to a birthday party, and in desperate need of a bucket load of tissues.
Why had I been limiting myself to believing that I couldn’t just go by myself? Why had I just simply and so willingly resigned to the idea that if nobody wanted to go with me that I just couldn’t go? Why was I doing that to myself? That realisation hit home so much. It brought up so many unresolved wounds from the recent past back to childhood feelings of inadequacy. Maybe this was what I needed – no – this was EXACTLY what I needed to face in order to get REAL! Once and for all. No more depending on other people to go travelling! No more keeping myself under the illusion that I can only go if someone else goes with me. It was silly of me to think that in the first place. My poor (ex?) boyfriend didn’t quite know how to console me but ensured me that I would have many opportunities to travel in my line of work (which at the moment is a bit inexistent). I got over it but promised myself never to rely on anyone again to go where I wish to go. And was also able to feel sincere happiness for his opportunity to go the US.
BUT that’s not where the story ends. At this point you will think that I am a spoiled flip and that’s fine because it’s probably true. Here’s why – I was going travelling, but it wasn’t REALLY travelling. I was flying back home a week after that scene in the car. Home is in Portugal, and even though it is technically a different yet warmer country to cold old England, it was still home, where I had lived for 14 YEARS (and no I am not 14, add 9 years to that) – that’s a lot of the same stuff over and over again. I don’t really call that going travelling. I wanted to go somewhere I didn’t get to go every three months.
The day after I arrived in Portugal I asked my bestie, the one I mentioned first, if she could help me with some Uni work I need to do and that I am currently panicking about, and that we could finally hang out as I was now in Ports. A few minutes later I see that she sent me a message saying that she actually wasn’t in Portugal. So where was she? FLIPPING NEW YORK CITY!!!!
As you can imagine all those feelings that left me devastated in the car came back like a guided missile. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me AGAIN. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m not blaming anyone but myself here. It wasn’t about the fact that she had so rightly so taken advantage of the opportunity she got given to go to New York, but that I stoped myself from going because nobody wanted (or, arguably, could) to go with me, and now both peeps I had asked had simply just gone (well, one not yet). Once more the lesson “DON’T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!!” had fallen on my lap and overwhelmed me. There was no way of stopping what I was feeling, I just had to accept the feelings and sigh a lot to feel a bit of emotional relief. THANK YOU UNIVERSE BUT I GOT THE LESSON THE FIRST TIME, NO NEED TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE WITH IT AGAIN!! I have this theory that this is happening to me because (or as a reflection of) Saturn is transiting my 7th house (relationship house, or house relating to other peeps in your life) and squaring my natal Saturn that is placed in the 9th house (house of long distance travel innit). So quite literally life and astrology are saying = DON’T RELY ON OTHERS TO GO TRAVELLING and RELYING ON OTHERS WILL STOP YOU FROM TRAVELLING. I also eventually overcame that blow to my…illusions. And also, I’m happy for her. It must be feeling quite nice for her right now to being experiencing the big city 🙂 . Hope you’re having fun guuurl, you deserve it! 😀
Don’t depend on others to live the life you want to live and to go where you want to go. If you want to go somewhere then go. Let others join in if they’re interested but don’t stop yourself from going anywhere if nobody’s joining.
Leave a comment if you’ve experienced a similar thing or just wanna chat… please… I’m lonely…